The Wonderful Adventures of Mr. Pumpy, Episode II: A Meeting with Mr. Attorney

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Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring........

Mr. Attorney: Hello, this is Mr. Attorney.

Mr. Pumpy: Mr. Attorney, this is Mr. Pumpy. I need your help on some legal matters.

Mr. Attorney: Ok Mr. Pumpy. What is this about?

Mr. Pumpy: This is about the evil bashers. They don't like me and they hurt my feelings. I hate them hate them hate them hate them.

Mr. Attorney: Ok, but what is a basher?....I tell you what, just come over to the office and bring the $10,000 initital retainer check. How is Friday morning for you, about 11:00 am?

Mr. Pumpy: What? $10,000 just to have the initial meeting?...ahhhhhhmmmmmmahhhhhh....OK...I will see you on Friday at your office. This is real important for me and I will spend whatever it takes to nail the evil bashers.

Mr. Attorney: Ok, but what is a basher?...never mind, I will see you on Friday and please bring whatever data you have collected.


Two days later at the office of Mr. Attorney


Mr. Pumpy: Here is the $10,000 check Mr. Attorney.

Mr. Attorney: Ok, thanks Mr. Pumpy....that is a good start. Now please tell me about your problem and how can I help you.

Mr. Pumpy: Well you see, there are these evil bashers and.....

Mr. Attorney: stop stop stop...what on earth is an "evil basher"?...someone that makes mash potatoes and isn't too nice a person?

Mr. Pumpy: No no no...an evil basher is someone who posts negative information about a company on the internet stock message boards, even though it is truthful...I hate them I hate them hate them hate them hate them....

Mr. Attorney: Oh...ok..I see...and what do these bashers look like and where are they from?

Mr. Pumpy: Well, I never really have seen them, but I hear that they are from an Island off the coast of South Africa owned by an entity called F.A.K.E....I have heard that they are little green men with pointed ears, about 4 feet tall and with long fingers developed from significant typing on computers while posting messages on the internet message boards.

Mr. Attorney: Huh...Ok...your retainer has just increased to $15,000. Now please tell me how they have harmed you and what you want to do about it.

Mr. Pumpy: Well there is this one basher called "the_worm06".

Mr. Attorney: ok..go on.

Mr. Pumpy: and I hate him hate him hate him...aaaarrrrgghhhhhhh.... dababdabadabadabaaaaa....tutitutitutituti....

Mr. Attorney: Mr. Pumpy take hold of yourself.....please....straighten up....why are you shaking so much?...have you had any sleep?...have you changed your socks?....straighten up please...and tell me what this worm has done to you...

Mr. Pumpy: Ahhh..OK...sorry...the worm has been libeling me all over the internet.

Mr. Attorney: Ok.... I see...did you bring the copies of the posted messages that I asked you to bring?

Mr. Pumpy: Yes I did...here they are.

Mr. Attorney: Thank you Mr. Pumpy. Now, let's see. Uh..huh...ok...I see...uh huh. Well, interesting posted messages by the_worm06. There is only one problem, the only person that I see that he is referring to is an "rrm". Who is "rrm" and where is your real name because unless I am going blind I just don't see it.

Mr. Pumpy: I am "rrm".

Mr. Attorney: You are the alias "rrm"?

Mr. Pumpy: yes

Mr. Attorney: Ok, and where is your real name on these alleged libelous posted messages by the_worm06?

Mr. Pumpy: My real name?...Well, it is not in any of those posted messages because I have never publicly stated what my real name is.

Mr. Attorney: What?...so your real name is not known to the_worm06 and he has never mentioned your real name on the posted messages that you claim libeled you?...so you are saying that he libeled you because he posted negative comments about your alias and not about your real identity?

Mr. Pumpy: Yep.

Mr. Attorney: Ok....I see. The retainer has now increased to $30,000.

Mr. Pumpy: What? $30,000?...why?

Mr. Attorney: Sorry Mr. Pumpy I made a mistake, the retainer is now $40,000, based on the complexity of the case.

Mr. Pumpy: Ahhhhh....sabasabasabasabasaba...lululululu...yikes...I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him...

Mr. Attorney: Let me ask you another question. In all of these posted messages by the_worm06, he copies your posted messages and points out the false and misleading statements made by you. Is he correct? Have you made all of these false and misleading statements that he claims?

Mr. Pumpy: Well, not really. the_worm06 has twisted my words.

Mr. Attorney: What do you mean "twisted"? It is plain as daylight, he copies your exact words and shows why they are false and misleading. I will ask you again - Is he correct in saying that all of these posted messages by you are false and misleading?

Mr. Pumpy: Maybe, it depends...How do you define false and misleading?

Mr. Attorney: This is how you defined "false and misleading" - The retainer fee has now increased to $50,000.

Mr. Pumpy: What?....you raised the retainer again?...Why?...I hate him I hate him I hate him...dabababababa....lalalallalalalalala...brrrrrrrrrryowser yowser yowser...

Mr. Attorney: Stop this silly talk. We have work to do...Lets approach this problem differently...Lets say that he is cyberstalking you.

Mr. Pumpy: Wow....that sounds good to me.

Mr. Attorney: Yep...this is a whole new area of law...the retainer is now $75,000. Go home, get some rest, change your socks and come back tomorrow. Please bring all of the posted messages by the_worm06 showing that he has been cyberstalking you. Also please bring all of the posted messages made by you that discuss the_worm06.

Mr. Pumpy: What?...more retainer expenses?...Ok...I will come back tomorrow with copies of the posted messages.


The next day at the office of Mr. Attorney:


Mr. Attorney: Greetings Mr. Pumpy. I see that you got some rest and changed your socks. Now lets get to work. Did you bring the posted messages?

Mr. Pumpy: I sure did. Here they are.

(Mr. Pumpy hands Mr. Attorney two stacks of papers. One stack is about 50 pages and the oher stack is about 500 pages)

Mr. Attorney: Ok. Thank you. What are the two stacks for?

Mr. Pumpy: The first stack includes that posted messages by the_worm06 during that last 4 months that mention my alias "rrm" and the second stack includes the posted messages by me during the same period that mention the_worm06, including those that mention his real identity.

Mr. Attorney: Excellent. Ok...Let's reveiw the_worm06's posted messages. In how many message boards were these 47 messages posted on?

Mr. Pumpy: the_worm06 posted 4 messages about me on one Silicon Investor message board and 43 messages on his blog.

Attorney: Great. 47 messages, mostly on his blog. Now lets look at this other stack of papers. What is this for?

Mr. Pumpy: The second stack includes copies of the posted messages made by me that mention the_worm06 and other bashers.

Attorney: What?...Are you kidding me? You posted 500 messages on 12 message boards about the_worm06 and other bashers?

Mr. Pumpy: Well...yes I did...500 messages on 12 message boards.

Attorney: So let's see what we have here - We are claiming that the_worm06 has been cyberstalking you, yet you have posted 10 times more messages about him, and to top it off, on about 12 times more message boards than him, excluding his blog?

Mr. Pumpy: Why are you not counting his blog?

Attorney: How many visitors do you think review your posted messges on Raging Bull and Silicon Investor?

Mr. Pumpy: Oh...about several hundred a day I would imagine...why?

Attorney: Now, how many visitors do you think review the_worm06's blog per day?...probably not more than 10 per day. Yes...this is becoming a very complex case indeed....the retainer has now been increased to $100,000.

Mr. Pumpy: Oh..the humanity...when are these legal expenses going to stop. I am going to go broke on this....agaggagagagagag...umaumaumaumauam.. lalalaallalaal yabayabayabayaba...

Attorney: Stop twitching Mr. Pumpy. Take this like a man. We have much work to do. This is a very complex case. Now, lets review what you have metioned about the_worm06 in your posted messages. Ok...here we have you showing that you know his real identity, R.......V........, this is not good. Here we have that you call the_worm06 a criminal, that he belongs in jail, that he is a woman, the he is involved in stock manipulation, that he is involved in insider trading, that he is a crook and that he has had problems with the SEC in the past. Are any of these serious accusations true? Do you have any proof?

Mr. Pumpy: Proof of what?

Mr. Attorney: Do you have any proof of these very serious accusations that you have made of a real individual in your 500 posted messages?

Mr. Pumpy: Ah...not really...I just heard rumors.

Mr. Attorney: What? your information was obtained from rumors? No proof of your accusations?....You know what this means don't you?....the retainer just increased to $150,000. I think that you might need me to assist you in a Libel lawsuit that the_worm06 will most likely file based on your comments about him. He might also file a complaint for cyberstalking against you. 500 posted messages on 12 message boards? What in the world were you thinking? You will really need my services now. Say, lets call it an even $200,000 retainer...by the way, can we put the title to your home in an escrow account, just in case the legal bills run over $200,000?.....



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